Children of parents who practice mindfulness have less behaviour problems, have better social interactions, better emotional health and behavioural functioning (see studies by Singh et al., 2006, 2007). These parents also report that they are more satisfied with their parenting skills, and with the relationship with their children, Furthermore, parents who also practice meditation are better skilled at practicing mindfulness (Coyne & Murrell, 2009).
Overall, a mindfulness practice has multiple benefits: it is good for the body and the mind; it changes the brain in positive ways, by improving learning, memory, emotion regulation, emotion management; improves focus; improves the immune system; it fosters compassion; improves relationships; reduces symptoms of stress, PTSD, anxiety and depression, and many more (see www.greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/mindfulness). Parents that are mindful are therefore passing onto their children this practice and there lies the benefits.
It seems that mindfulness has been a buzz in the last few years, but let me assure you it is not just another fad that will come and go. Mindfulness and meditation are well established practices in the Eastern traditions, and have existed for thousands of years. It is only in recent years that there has been a resurgence of these practices. Baby boomers might recall the 60s and 70s where the Beetles and the like we’re into transcendental meditation and yoga. The Western world has finally caught up with scientific research proving their benefit on mental and physical health.
In all practicality, how does one parent apply these practices in every day life? First, meditation and mindfulness are not mere techniques, they are states of mind and a way of life, of which bring less suffering, more presence and peace in one’s life. Second, once a person has experienced the benefits of these practices, there is no going back. It infiltrates your life and your being, and it has a positive impact not only on the person who adheres to these practices but also on the people that surround this individual. In this case, your own children.
For the purpose of brevity, I will only address mindfulness in this article. How does one practice mindfulness and what is it? When you Google the term mindfulness, you can find this simple definition ” A mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations.” Some add an important factor which is to “accept without judgment”.
To practice mindfulness you first need to become aware of yourself and your surroundings. By this I mean, not be so entangled or lost in your thoughts. Your mind generates thoughts and you are able to notice this, thus you become the observer of your thoughts, emotions, feelings, and sensations coming from all five of your senses. Pay attention to your internal and external environments. Notice in the same way you would notice that the sky is grey, or that a plane just flew by. Don’t question, don’t judge, just observe.
One of the basic tenets of mindfulness is to reduce your identification with your thoughts and your feelings. To be able to do this, you need to be living in the present moment. The moment your thoughts are lost in the past, or planning or worrying about the future, you have just lost touch with the present moment. In turn, you are unable to become aware of what is happening in this moment in time. Mindfulness allows the person to be fully present in the now, fully in touch with what is happening at this moment. As a result, it greatly reduces suffering, and over reacting. If you are fully present to this moment and you do not judge it, consequently you are more at peace and less reactive. You are able to see a situation for what it is rather than for what it could be or what it represents based on your past traumas or wounds. It is essential to parent from this place rather than from a placed anchored in the past or fleeting to the future. Fear, anger, resentment stem from those wounds and in that moment you are no longer present to your child. You are re-acting to your own past or out of fear.
Mindfulness therefore allows you to notice the events in your life without reacting needlessly to them. It is a state where you become the observer of your thoughts, emotions and feelings instead of being an active participant. By having a bit of distance between the events and your thoughts, you are able to be present and respond from a place of stillness which will best correspond to your child’s actual needs.
This was a very brief overview of what mindfulness is and how beneficial it can be while parenting your children. Below are resources for detailed strategies on how to practice mindfulness:
How do you take time to spread the love with your little ones? There are so many inexpensive ways you can show your children how much you love them without having to spend a dime.
I like to surprise my daughter and show her that I think of her even when we are not together by leaving her little surprises in her lunch box. This time, I carved “love u” and a couple of hearts in a carrot. And underneath the first layer, I had carved more stars and hearts. She loved it… And so did her little friends!
Other times I make a tiny card where a draw something real simple and i write her a nice thought. I may also draw something and write a note on a paper towel that I fold and place on top. Finally, sometimes I leave a little love note in a tiny tin container that she gets to open.
There are so many different ways to say I love you. The fact that you take the time means a lot to these little beings. It tells them that they matter. These little marks of attention are priceless and go a long way in feeding your children’s self esteem. Even away from you, they are reminded that you care and that they matter.
So start spreading a little love and leave little love notes to your child. Cut their sandwich in the shape of a heart. Cut a bunch of hearts in construction paper and place them in their lunch box. Leave them a note in their shoes or on their pillow, or in their pencil case, or in their text book. There are so many places where you can leave these little footprints of the love you have for them. And don’t go buying those ready made notes they sell at Hallmark. Make your own. If you are busy, make a few ahead of time so that they are ready for the week. No need to be fancy. What matters is that it be heartfelt and sincere. Use your imagination. Do it while you are watching TV if you have to. Make the time, take the time. Your child is worth it. And who doesn’t like to be reminded that they are loved?
Teaching your children that they have choices empowers them. It moves them away from victimhood, blame, and helplessness. But first, it starts with you.
YOU need to believe that YOU have choices, every step of the way. You may not be able to control external circumstances but you sure can control how you respond to a certain situation. You can empower yourself, see the gift, learn the lesson, or… you can be victimized by it. In the former, you will feel better, I can guarantee you that. As it has been said many times “Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional”. Choose to not suffer, and let pain be your guide, not your enemy.
Thus, teach your children from the time they are little that they have choices and choices entail consequences. Consequences are our greatest teachers. Don’t rob them of the rich lessons life can bring them.
Obviously, we need to adapt the kind of choice we offer our children to their level of development. Some choices are not meant to be made by children. Use your judgment and learn from books, blogs, or parenting experts. There is a fine line… you don’t want to create a spoiled brat, a monster, no more than you want to confuse your child or have them suffer a consequence they are not ready to handle, no more than make a decision on something they are not ready to tackle. All in due time 🙂
Once you have grasped this concept. The next important factor to take into consideration is to make choices based on love, not fear. Choices born out of fear or guilt, are choices we regret later. So learn, and then teach, the process of making a choice…. Am I making this choice because I am scared or because I love myself, the other or the situation. Don’t choose fear.
Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Audio Version of the Blog Below:
Our children are also here to grow us up. A healthy parent-child relationship is not a relationship of dominion of one person over another. Our children are entrusted to us and we are to be their teachers and their protectors. There is a healthy level of authority over them but not for the sake of dominance. This is a relationship where both have something to contribute and to teach to the other.
Don’t treat your child as a lesser version of you. Be aware that the parent-child relationship offers a mutual contribution to those involved, and offers both individuals the opportunity to grow. You have as much to learn as your child does. Your child will reawaken those parts of you that were dormant, and most likely were put to rest when you yourself were a child. Your children will push your buttons and you will be forced to look in the mirror if you choose to truly evolve as a person and as a parent. You can fight it and take a stance of domination or be grateful for the opportunity your child is offering you to also grow up, and heal those wounds that your child so cleverly brings back to the surface.
When children push our buttons, test the limits, push back, take a stance, and we perceive all these behaviours as opposing our authority, we are making a mistake. Our perception is faulty. It is not about us, or about intentionally defying us with a nasty intention behind it. We are the ones who attribute a negative interpretation or intention behind these behaviours that push us over the edge at times, or make us so angry. If we make it about this, we miss the point.
When a child pushes our buttons, it is important to take a step back, breathe and think. Realize if your emotional reaction to this behaviour has its roots in your own past. Most likely yes. By realizing this, you can tone it down and be present to the here and now, and respond to your child, not from a place of pain related to past wounds, fear or guilt. Usually when you do this, the intensity of your emotions will be greatly reduced. This is the gift, because when you realize this, you will parent your child based on his or her needs and not based on a past that is not healed. And then, you are truly present to your child.
When we see the relationship as a mutual opportunity for growth and collaboration, we truly attend to the child’s needs more than to our own personal agenda, which can be steeped for example in not wanting to be like our parents, or with being obsessed with the fear that your child is running your life.
So parents, when you realize that your children are equal to you, and deserve the same respect that you require of them; when you realize that you, as well as they, need to grow up; when you realize that you can learn from them as much as they can learn from you, you will fuel their self esteem in a positive way. This will give them a sense of value and worth because they will not be made to feel less than you or inferior.
Your life depends on it! Your sanity depends on it. Your children COUNT ON IT. Be you, be the true you, love you because you are all you’ve got! And what you’ve got is awesome. Be brave, be yourself, love yourself, speak out and stand up for yourself. Be the person you want to admire in your children if you have children and if you don’t, just be you for your own sake. Life is short.
The greatest gift you can give yourself in this lifetime is to love yourself. If you love yourself unconditionally you make better choices, you surround yourself with people who let you shine your brightest light, who accept you for who you are, who honour you, who bring you up.
Be brave, step into your life with all your might, be proud of who you are, old wounds and all. They have shaped who you have become, they are not a scratch that make you damaged goods. Honestly, look at your wonderfulness! Look in the mirror, stare in those eyes of yours, stay there, for a while and look at your essence. You are an amazing human being. You just need to believe it now. And if you don’t, fake it until you do believe it. Reprogram that mind of yours.
If you need inspiration, listen to the song I have attached below and read the lyrics. And do be brave, and decide that today is the day that you put an end to that negative self talk. Get out of the shadows, speak up, let the words pour out of your heart and step up, stand up for yourself. Clean out your house and the attic of negative people that keep you down. Make space for new wonderful people to fill in the void that these people will leave. Light will attract light, darkness attracts darkness. So turn on the light to cast those shadows away! Let them go, they are no use to you anymore. Turn over that page of your past, let it go. It no longer serves you, really. It only keeps you stuck in a time frame that no longer exists.
Change can be scary but when you know that beauty awaits on the other side, it is worth to face your fears, tread the mucky waters to end up on a beautiful crystal beach 🙂
Don’t let the shadow win.
Love and Light to you from me!
You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
And they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave
Everybody’s been there, everybody’s been stared down
By the enemy
Fallen for the fear and done some disappearing
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, stop holding your tongue
Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
Innocence, your history of silence
Won’t do you any good
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave
Some people hated mother Teresa, or Oprah… Goes to prove you can’t please everyone. You can’t control what people think of you and you can’t have it control you.
Whether it’s an opinion, a life choice, the way you dress, the music you like, the religion you follow or don’t follow, there will always be someone who disagrees with your chosen path. It is well known that many famous people and pioneers, initially were not well liked. People don’t like change, don’t like “different”. It makes them uncomfortable. Change requires people to stretch a little and not everyone is ready to do so. Some people may criticize your choices out of insecurity because it forces them to question their own choices or the status quo.
It takes courage to go against the flow, to make unpopular choices that people attempt to force you to justify. What if her or his choice mean that my choices are wrong? Can often be the underlying insecurity.
Some people go through life being people pleasers at their own expense. They make other people happy, they avoid conflict or rocking the boat, but at what price. Over the years, people-pleasing takes a toll on an individual, and it is not uncommon, years later, to see these people in my office, suffering with depression, anxiety, have pent up anger and resentments, etc. To later realize they’ve compromised their choices because they were scared of what people might think. And then to be resentful of the same people they attempted to please because they chose to not care what people thought of them.
When dying people are interviewed, one of the wishes that keeps coming up is that they should have lived the life they wanted to live not the one people wanted them to live.
So live your life fully, do no harm, and remember that what people think of you is really none of your business. You can’t make everyone happy and not everyone will like you. That’s simply a fact, deal with it, and carefully pick the ones who will have the privilege of being part of your life.
And remember this, trying to please everyone, in a way is a very selfish and controlling act, as you rob people of the freedom to respond to the real you, you are doing impression management, and in no way is this an authentic way to live life!
Image courtesy of sakhom38 @FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Some people hated mother Teresa, or Oprah… Goes to prove you can’t please everyone. You can’t control what people think of you and you can’t have it control you.
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