Screens: A parental convenience.
Screens: The Inconvenient Truth! Moving Beyond Screens and Taking Charge. What are the best practices when it comes to kids and media.
Parent Overwhelm: 5 Tips to Cope with Stress.
I recently watched a Ted Talk and I thought I would summarize here a few of the key elements in raising families. How adaptability and values, can help us cope with the chaos, stress, and overwhelm. Read on:
- Kids do sense that their parents are out of control. even when parents think they hide it well. Kids are amazing barometers. They feel our energy so well. Kids also take on their parents’ stress. It’s no wonder there is an epidemic of anxious children.
2. Chores in the morning DO work well. And a better option than letting kids on their screens and them fighting with them to get out of the house. Kids who do chores in the a.m. usually are happy to leave the house because… the fun lies ahead… just think about it 🙂
3. Checklists work so well. They reduce the confusion and they become part of a routine and rhythm. They help children feel safe, and rhythms keep them grounded… and there is less arguing in the process.
4. Finally, his three key elements: adapt, empower, and tell your story, are so true.
- This world is always changing… even within the microcosm of our tiny lives.. change is a certainty… rigidity is a killer and a recipe for disaster. Adaptability (us modeling it as well as parents) teaches kids resilience. Not all families are the same what matters most is time spent together. We all have such different circumstances. So I do agree with him when he says we need to adapt “parenting tips” from so-called expert to fit our unique family needs. There is no one size fits all. Finally, if we can model flexibility as parents, our kids will also become flexible individuals. Adapting also means that we need to get off our pedestal and get to our children’ levels and acknowledge that they too are wise individuals and that their feedback is essential. They are our greatest teachers.
- Humans need their daily dose of power and connection; this includes kids. We only need to discipline no more than 10% of the time… our most important role as parents is to teach. We do need to focus more on what they do right. They are new to this world; we are veterans. Of course, they will make mistakes. Children NEED to make mistakes. Mistakes are what build our character, allow us to discover who we are, what we are made of, what we like and dislike. Mistakes are necessary, too bad they get such a bad rap… maybe we should just call them something else :-). Empowering kids means that we need to give them their healthy dose of power/control on a daily basis. This also means that we need to stop overprotecting them and allow them to fail and experience negative feelings. Where else are they going to learn to cope with strong emotions if not under the safety of our roofs? There are no better lessons than life lessons. Way more powerful than lectures, punishment, and reward… kids need to fail to learn how to rise… and to rise strong, that is. Although its hard to see them suffer, it is necessary. Just be there on their side and validate, empathize, and support so that they will learn how to do it for themselves when you are not there.. and THIS will strengthen their self-worth in the process.
- Last but not least… our kids do need to hear our stories 🙂 over and over … my daughter always asks me (especially in the car because she gets bored) “mommy tell me another story when you were little”.. and I do tell her the good, the bad and the ugly.. and she has no preference.. they all feed her.. and she loves hearing them over and over again. OUR stories are really like fairy tales (not the Disney versions).. they have archetypes, they have good and evil, victors and fallen souls… fairy tales feed our children’s souls (see Waldorf education/Steiner)… I think this is why kids are captivated by our stories… I remember my nanny telling me over and over again (she was Dutch) the story of how her husband escaped the Nazis… you would think I would have been terrified, but I wasn’t… I needed to hear it again and again… it was a story overcoming the worst odds, and 40 years later- that story is still in my soul. Stories teach them how to overcome the negative and that it is part of life…and then it doesn’t become so scary to have negative experiences…they teach us that.we are the heroes in our lives… in their lives..no need to be rescued by prince charming… 🙂 we can rescue ourselves! (…and that it’s also ok to ask for help in the process).
5. What a beautiful gift to create a mission statement UNIQUE to our family based on our values. And to place them on the wall. Values drive our choices. Kids are bombarded with over 25K advertisements a year… they compete with our family values on a daily basis… so we need to hold on tight to our values, teach them to our kids so that they can embody them and resist strong external pressures. SO that our values flow in their veins, and are the oxygen that keeps ’em going, the compass to their lives. Through the stories of our lives that we share with our kids, they will learn through osmosis our values, they will become part of their core and they will not waver, even in your absence. And then you can rest that they will resist peer pressures that could hurt them.
As Feiler said. “Happiness is something we create not something we find”. Our values drive our choices. We can choose to be happy and teach this to our kids in the process… What a beautiful gift.
Essential Steps to Safe Screen Use for Kids.
STEP 1: QUESTION, OBSERVE, AND ASSESS
Do you find yourself getting caught up in constant battles over screens? Is it hard to get your kids off those tablets or video games when you ask them to? Do you find your kids are obsessed with their electronics? Botch their homework to get back to that Minecraft as soon as possible?
Have you caught them lying or sneaking around to get access to their screens? Do your kids wake up tired and exhausted from being up until 2 am chatting with their friends on text or any social media? Are you starting to notice them withdrawing from family life and responsibilities?
Do you find your child can’t stop when you ask him or her to, and they always want “just a bit more”? Do they lose it on you when you tell them that it’s enough? Have you noticed a drastic drop in motivation to do anything, yet they’re highly focussed, even obsessed, with getting back to their phones or tablets?
D0 they complain about being bored all the time if they are not on their screens? Has their phone become another body part that you need to pry out of their hands with a crowbar? Have you thought to yourself “geez he’s reacting just like a drug addict”?
Does your young child have nightmares, and scared of sleeping alone? Does he or she have frequent emotional meltdowns that seem out of control and excessive, stemming out of nowhere? Is your child rude and disrespectful despite your best efforts to teaching proper manners? And you wonder where they learn all this? Is your child exhibiting inappropriate sexual behaviours or language?
Do these scenarios seem way too familiar? If so, read on. WARNING: This article is NOT about banning screens from our lives. It’s about using them wisely and responsibly to enhance our children’s lives rather than hindering them.
- Here you can find a good Self Assessment Questionnaire regarding your child’s media use. The questions will also help you see what you need to pay attention to. Media Use History- Self Assessment Questionnaire for your Family
- Electronic Screen Syndrome. Does your child exhibit some of these symptoms? Read this article.
The best way to prepare and protect our children from the “hazards” of screens is to first understand the harm that can be done, the good that can come of media use, and how to discern the good from the bad. Once we have all the information, it is then easier to make informed choices, which are best suited for our families.
STEP 2: EDUCATE, INFORM, AND MAKE CONNECTIONS
I’ve researched quite a few websites and compiled a few resources and thought I’d share them with you. They can also be found in the Resource section of this site, where you can also discover other valuable links.
- Information on these sites helps parents understand the negative impact media has in their children’s lives while also offering tips on managing time spent with various media:
- This key article that has grabbed many’s attention. The conclusions and recommendations still seem to be ignored by many families and the education system, who still allow way too much exposure to screens despite the clear adverse effects of extended exposure. Media and Children – American Academy of Pediatrics
- Why screens are robbing our kids from healthy development. In this article, you will see how screens cannot replace play and what benefits actual play has on child development. How bypassing play or replacing it with screens, while thinking it’s the same, can cause severe developmental challenges in c.hildren. Why the iPad is a bigger threat to our children than anyone realizes
- This article is a brief summary of the AAP article mentioned above. Children’s Media Use is a Health Concern
- Discover the structural damages to the brain caused by too much screen time in Gray Matters: Too Much Screen Time Damages the Brain
- Children, Adolescents, Obesity and The Media (American Academy of Pediatrics, AAP)
- Clinical Report: The impact of social media on children, adolescents, and families (American Academy of Pediatrics)
- Media use by children younger than two years (AAP Policy Statement- Great recommendations for all ages)
- Children, Adolescents and the Media (AAP Policy Statement)
- Sexuality, Contraception, and the Media (AAP Policy Statement)
- This article states in point form yet in a comprehensive manner the broad range of deficits, impairments, and disorders that are a direct consequence of extensive media use. The article is written by an expert (pediatric occupational therapist) on the impact of media on child development and learning. A must read. A research review regarding the effects of technology on child development, behavior, and academic performance.
- Selected Research on Screen Time and Children
- Key Reports, Research and Other Resources on the Effects of Media on Children’s Health.
- A National Survey of Teachers About the Role of Entertainment Media in Students’ Academic and Social Development. Children, Teens, and Entertainment Media: The View From The Classroom (PDF).
- A comprehensive guide on screen use, and misuse, for children: Friend or Foe? The Ultimate Screen Time Guide For Kids. Read about the impact of screens, tips on how to reduce screen time, healthy alternatives to screens. A great read, all in one spot.
STEP 3: REMEDIATE AND FIND SOLUTIONS
- These sites offer key tips on what and how to teach children to make healthy media choices:
- Create a family Media Use Plan, TIPS (Source: healthychildren.org of the American Academy of Pediatrics)
- Mayo Clinic’s How to Limit Screen Time
- 27 Tips on How to Reduce your Children’s Screen Time
- Healthy active living: Physical activity guidelines for children and adolescents
- 8 Ways to Help Cure Your Teen’s Screen Addiction
- Ten easy steps when you start a digital diet
- This site offers links and resources for information from the AAP and other organizations that specialize in keeping children and adolescents safer online. Safety Net (American Academy of Pediatrics) Resources for parents on Internet Use and Safety for Families)
- This site describes seven applications (Apps) parents need to be warned about so that they can assure their children’s safety: Dangerous Apps parents should know about
- In this video, developmental psychologist, Gordon Neufeld discusses how parents can prepare children to live and thrive in the digital world Dr. Gordon Neufeld: Raising Children in the Digital World
- These sites offer alternatives to screen time to promote play in your kids. They include fun activities and ideas, and some explain the importance of free play:
- Action guides (PDFs)
- Revaluing Free Play
- Learning Through Play
- From ages 0 to 3: Learning Through Imitation (parents not screens as teachers)
- From ages 0 to 7-year-old: Toys and Play
- Documentary: Where Do the Children Play? And video and article
- Tips for Replacing Screen Time with Unplugged Play
- Comprehensive Guide for Parents, Caregivers, and Daycares. Screen Time Reduction Tool Kit. Quite complete!
- For children under two years of age: Activities that Spark Imagination
- Friend or Foe? The Ultimate Screen Time Guide For Kids.
This guide is designed to “help teachers and parents make informed decisions about whether, why, how, and when to use screen technologies with young children. It provides an overview of the research on screen time and young children. And it offers guidance for those who want their programs to be screen-free, as well as for those who choose to incorporate technology in their settings”: Facing the Screen Dilemma: Young Children, Technology, and Early Education
Here is a Free App Curbi a screen time management solution for parents to monitor screen use. All you need to do is you sign-up for Curbi and enroll whichever devices you’d like to manage. It allows you to set time limits for specific apps (e.g., YouTube, Minecraft) or an entire device, it can even instantly “time out” a gadget. This can all be done from your own iPhone, Android, tablets, iPad, or any computer. Click on this link to learn more about all its features.
Now that you have a lot of information at your fingertips, you can make informed choices that are best suited for your kids developmental level, and choices that are in line with your family values.
When we know better, we do better. Make the right choices. Media can be a real blessing when used wisely, but media can also cause severe damage. As with anything good, moderation is the best approach, based on educated choices for all members of your family, including yourself.
How Education Fails our Children
Sir Ken Robinson is an educational specialist whose mission is to “save” our children from the current educational system that is failing them. His TED talks have over 10 Million views, so his message is getting out. I have included here a few of my favorite videos for you to view.
He talks about how conformity, batching and conformity are killing imagination and how education is in high need for transformation rather than reform.
Not only is he brilliant, but he is amazingly funny and witty.
Enjoy and see if it will push you to send your children to an alternative school, homeschool or at least question the status quo rather than question your child’s intelligence or abilities.
These videos will give you hope if your child is struggling in school, hope that maybe there is NOTHING wrong with your child but everything wrong with the setting he or she is in, and is so ill fitted for your child’s unique needs and abilities and talents.
Help your Child Feel Calm and Relaxed
A simple tool as mindfulness can help your child feel calm and relaxed. More and more schools are starting to incorporate mindfulness and meditation practices in their curriculla because they have witnessed their beneficial effects on children’s behaviour and wellbeing.
It not only can improve attention, concentration and focus, children feel happier, calmer, more fulfilled, relaxed and creative and it impacts their academic performance. It also improves mental states such as depression and anxiety, and ruminative thoughts. It helps children to cope with the everyday stresses such as exams, relationships, sleep problems, and family and social issues.
In addition to a daily practice of mindfulness, I believe that there are two additional habits we can instil in our children that will not only improve their wellbeing, but will also make them more compassionate and grateful individuals, thus less likely to be entitled little brats. These practices are daily acts of kindness, which helps the child feel good about himself and the impact he has on others, and the practice of gratitude.
There are many instructional videos online that teach children and adults the practice of mindfulness.
When you teach children to practice daily acts of kindness, it moves them away from selfishness and teaches them the meaning of being of service, of being helpful and kind. Acts of kindness do not need to be any actions which require purchasing something, although those can be welcomed as well (e.g., donating food to the food bank, giving money or clothes to a family in need, donating money for research, etc.). Daily acts of kindness can be as simple as writing a loving note, preparing breakfast in bed, helping with chores, giving a hug, walking the dog, cleaning a mess, opening a door for someone, carrying a heavy bag, etc).
When you practice this and you teach this to your children, often children will find opportunities on their own to do acts of kindness because they see how good it makes people feel and as a result they feel good as well.
Finally, if many times a day you model to your kids the value of gratitude, even for the smallest things in life that we tend to take for granted, you will as a result reduce whining, complaining, and a sense of entitlement in children.
I am a strong proponent of prevention… Focus on the outcome you want to see in your children and become a role model of the value you hold true. This will have so much more weight than lecturing to your kids when they complain about not getting the latest iPhone or having to help out around the house.
When parents and children alike can practice on a daily basis mindfulness, acts of kindness and gratitude, these three simple practices will significantly improve the quality of your life in a significant manner. Those are three of the many practices of happy people.
There is a caveat to all this… you can’t expect your kids to develop these habits if you don’t embody them yourself. Always remember these simple pieces of advise as part of the parenting journey:
- BE the man or the woman you want your children to become by embodying the values you hold on to the most. It is never too late to start! As Gandhi said “Be the change you want to see in the world”… (the world here being your children).
- Don’t worry so much about what other people do or say. We all have different values. If it does not feel right in your gut, even if you are the minority, don’t do it or don’t allow your kids to talk you into it. It is OK to be different and to be proud of who you are. If you fear what others think, how can your kids be confident around their friends and not worry so much about rejection?
- Be driven by your values, not by fear, and don’t worry so much about what other people think. Remember this: on their death bed one of the things the dying regret the most is that they wished they had the courage to live a life true to themselves, not the life others expected of them!
- Make it a daily practice to take time to be mindful and live in the present moment, be grateful, and practice daily acts of kindness and reap the benefits!
Hope you enjoy the videos below:
Why Rush?
That lucky 13!
December 13th…. a date forever engraved in my mind. How can I ever forget that Monday morning that changed my life forever…
Five years ago today, at the tender age of two and a half my beautiful daughter Beatrice was diagnosed with High Risk Leukemia. I won’t get into the story of what happened that day, nor the story of her illness because it was all documented on a blog I created just for her. I did this so that she could remember how courageous she was and all that she had been through. It was also very therapeutic for me to get it out of me because the pain of seeing her suffer was literally unbearable. Finally, the blog allowed people close to me to be updated without me having to be tortured by repeating our daily struggles over and over again… going through it once was traumatic enough…
This post is a positive post. It is a post about love, about cherishing every moment with your kids. It’s about taking the time to stop and smell the roses, and watching the butterflies or fairies as they fly by.
Why hurry?
When I catch myself telling my daughter to “Just hurry up!”, whether it’s to get to bed, or rushing out the door for an appointment or school, I quickly remind myself of how precious every minute with her is. All too often when we were stuck in the hospital (her treatment lasted almost 3 years), how I wished we could be home doing the “boring” things. Because she was so weak and tired by the illness and the chemo, she had no energy to do what normal 3 year olds do. How I longed to see her jump around, run and scream, and be “annoying”…
I can truly say that I do cherish every moment with her and when I stray.. .Whether it’s wishing I had more time to write my blog posts, or when I feel rushed, I quickly ask myself if I’d rather be in 2010 when I was forced to live each moment to the fullest because I never knew what tomorrow might bring. Certainty no longer existed in my world… That was taken from me, December 13, 2010! I knew all too well, that our lives would never ever be the same.
What really matters!
I went from a busy successful career, to an unemployed stay at home single mom, living off donations ! I quickly found out what was really important in life, and that I could truly be happy with little.. really. I got rid of my 40K truck, avoided stores and became creative when it came to entertain my daughter and bond with her. Forget fancy cars and restaurants, buying clothes, decorating the house, going to the the hairdresser, etc. Getting her back to health, and enjoying life to the fullest were my only priorities. Since then I realized that all we need is health and the rest will follow, because without it… well… your options are limited.
I was never a big spender, not into useless luxuries, but still, I’d spoil myself from time to time. I tell people that, although it was truly the worse time of my life, I had never been happier. No small feat for a naturally anxious mom who worried a lot.
Decluttering my life!
Being in the helping profession, I was always into self improvement and getting my act together, and just like everyone else…. I am always a work in progress and I always have something to work on. Well, the gift of Beatrice’s illness was to teach me to live in the moment, to let go of resentments and of a past that is long gone, the importance of forgiveness to be able to move on, to not spend too much time worrying about a future that doesn’t yet exist, and to clean up shop when it came to relationships that no longer served me. It taught me to appreciate every single moment as a gift because it truly is. You never know how in an instant it can all be taken away, just like that, in the blink of an eye! Trust me.
The gift of patience!
I have always been ambitious professionally and striving to do more, and better my craft and also keep reinventing myself. That has not changed. What has changed is the urgency to get things done, to do more. It has taught me to be patient: all in due time. Sure I get frustrated when I don’t get to the end of my To Do list or reach my goals’ timeline, but I quickly set myself straight, and bring myself to the present moment, and live it fully, in gratitude and acceptance. I constantly have to remember “all in divine timing” and I try to let go of trying to control the outcomes. And finally… when I lose my way, get frustrated or down, I sing to myself the chorus of the song “Unanswered Prayers”, or I repeat this very helpful mantra that has served me well so many times “Man’s rejection is God’s protection”.
(Lyrics that touch me : Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers ; Remember when you’re talkin’ to the man upstairs ; That just because he doesn’t answer doesn’t mean he don’t care; Some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers )
I try not to resist what is anymore, you know the “bad” stuff… So it is not that I don’t have all the human emotions and struggles that most of us face.. I have just found a better way to cope with them when they arise. I have tried to start seeing that everything happens for a reason and I wait for the gift to show up. That is a major change for me: my immediate reaction naturally tends to always be anxiety!
It is inevitable that through every tiny or major hurdle lies a gift. Whether it be a better opportunity, catching my daughter’s special moves, bonding more, there is always a silver lining.
What’s the rush?
All this to say that, when we rush we are really chasing the future which has not yet happened and by doing so, we miss out on the beauty and the gift of this present moment. And if we don’t cherish that present moment, it is forever lost. So we need to live NOW. We need to slow down.
Before you know it your child will grow up and many things they do now will be gone forever due to the mere fact that they are maturing. And then… you will look back with nostalgia or regret. All too often parents can’t wait for their kids to walk and be independent, but with independance come distance. They no longer want to snuggle, they no longer need your help, they slowly but surely need you less and less. This is why, to be able to let go, you truly need to cherish all these mundane moments as they arise because in their simplicity they are special because they are fleeting, and quickly pass you by.
So slow down… Instead of rushing the bedtime and morning routines, grant them more time. Allow children to be their natural selves, which is to live each moment as they arise (as we should) mindfully, playfully, full of awe with the simplest things. As a result, there will be less nagging, less screaming, less arguing, less repeating for compliance because they will have had the time to live fully at their pace, not yours. And when it is time to go, time to sleep, they will be ready…
Slowing down and being a participant in their lives instead of a referee will also bring you closer. And there is nothing more important than the parent-child bond. Love is truly at the core of a healthy relationship.
Our teachers!
It is us that need to slow down. WE have lost our way and forgotten what is important in life. We need to see the world through children’s eyes, and hear the message they are attempting to pass on : “simple is better; now is what counts”.
When we slow down, we can truly learn from our children by simply being a witness of how they approach life and get back to that state from where we come from, but have forgotten our natural state. They know how to be mindful, they know what living life fully means, they know the importance of the present moment… we are the ones who need to learn these skills once again. And once we do, life will be so much more pleasant!
To read about Beatrice’s journey and mine, click on this link.
You must be logged in to post a comment.