Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Although a certain amount of conflict between spouses is to be expected, there are ways to fight and argue in front of your kids that are acceptable but there are ways that simply foster fear and anxiety.
If you don’t know how to fight fair it is best to spare your children. Also, please don’t expose them to adult issues. They are too young to understand and it just confuses them, worries them, and creates fear in them. Children are too young to hear about your financial problems, your work problems, or hear you bad mouth a neighbour, friends or family member.
When you know how to fight fair, and of course make up afterwards, you actually teach your children that it is normal to have disagreements with someone and you still love them regardless. It teaches them to stand up for themselves, to be assertive and not fear being rejected or unloved. It feels safe.
However, when parents resort to screaming, verbal abuse, insults, throwing things, threats, leave for very long stretches of time (e.g. 8 hours to days) and so on, children get scared. They worry that their parents will get hurt, they worry that they will leave and not come back, and they fear for their safety. Whether you know this or not, children feel the urge to protect their parents and they worry for them.
We are our children’s first teachers. We teach our children how to cope with conflict because they observe us and simply imitate us. They will carefully mirror back to us what we will have taught them, and then we will witness how they argue with us, their friends and other adults. Remember that. What children witness in their homes they repeat within the family system or in the school yard.
This is how bullies are made: redirected aggression. They can’t hurt their parents so they take it out on their siblings or their peers, or even the family pet. Hurt people, hurt people.
If you can’t keep your act together the least you can do is to not punish or scold your children when they freak out, because they are simply repeating what you, the adults, are doing. So when your child exhibits behaviour that you deem unacceptable, the first thing to do is to look in the mirror and first ask yourself if you exhibit this behaviour in any way. If you do, YOU need to change your behaviour first and your child will follow.
YOU need to own up to the dysfunctional coping style, apologize and reassure your children that you are working at bettering yourself. YOU need to take control of your anger and learn healthy ways to fight. YOU need to keep these destructive scenes away from your children.
So if your children’s angry outbursts upset and annoy you, as I said, first look in the mirror and see where in your life do you act in the same way. Your child most likely learned it from you. Your corrective lectures or punishments are hypocrisy if you exhibit the same unacceptable behaviour as your child. How can you teach a child not to hit, not to scream or throw things, be respectful if you yourself don’t put it into practice. It will just confuse them, you lose face, you lose their respect. Not to mention that you are teaching them a double standard: that people can hurt them but they can’t hurt people.
Children exposed to high conflict parents become bullies themselves or victims of bullies, they develop anxiety, depression , poor self esteem, poor coping skills, they take it out on their siblings, it teaches siblings to bully and mistreat each other, it teaches lack of respect. it makes them exhibits symptoms akin to ADHD (can’t concentrate, fidget, oppositional etc), it makes them fearful, some want to run away from home, they resent their parents, and on and on. These are but a few of the consequences of witnessed parental conflict that I have seen in my office over the years…
Furthermore, if you mistreat your spouse, it also teaches your children how to treat their boyfriends and girlfriends later on in adolescence and adulthood. You set the stage for how their relationships are likely to unfold What you model as a couple is most likely what your children will seek out with a partner. Regardless of the gender of the child. It is what we call intergenerational transmission of patterns. So if you don’t want your child to grow up to become an abuser or a victim, don’t expose them to these models.
Finally, if you cannot do it on your own, please seek counselling… and if it is passed the point of no return, for the sake of your children… end the relationship. Divorce is not traumatic to children, but high conflict is.
Lecturing them about how to behave during a conflict is a waste of time. Children learn by what they see not what they hear. You need to trust me on that one. Change your behaviour and you will see your child’s behaviour change as well.
Image courtesy of imagerymajestic at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Too many times I see in my office children identified by the school system as being problematic. Whether it be that they are labelled with a disorder (e.g., ADHD, ODD, ADD), accused of fidgeting too much, not fitting in, not paying attention, not having good boundaries, etc… there always seems to be a problem with the child.
Parents show up at my office dismayed, discouraged that their wonderful child does so poorly in school yet at home there are no issues. Parents are worried, don’t know what they are doing wrong, yet in their gut they know nothing is really wrong with their child.
Funny thing is… no one ever seems to question the establishment. Maybe the problem is with the system in which the children are taught. They are expected to be all the same, when , if you look carefully in your own backyard, if you have more than one child… they are all different.
School’s focus is mainly on academics, performance, testing, ranking, and the arts and physical education have been placed. at best, as secondary in importance. Therefore assuming that all children are left brain dominant and non creative… What about the children whose strengths are in the arts (dancing, art, music) or in sports? What about the non typical left brain intellectuals, the right brain children? Where do they stand in our school system?
In this awesome TED talk by Sir Ken Robinson, he so eloquently explains how the school systems around the world are no longer focused on fostering learning but rather teaching… no matter how good the teacher is at teaching, if no one is learning, what’s the point? He explains where the school systems fail our children. It will shed light on your questions and your worries. Well worth listening too.
Listen to this inspiring talk on the state of educationand maybe, it will give you a glimpse into the world of possibilities for your child. Maybe, also, it will appease your worries that there is something wrong with your child… maybe he or she is just fine. You just need to find a system that works. It is no wonder that homeschooled children and children educated in the Waldorf, Montessori and alternative schools, do better and flourish!
Image courtesy of photostock at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
If you want your children to open up to you and seek advice from you when they are teens, you need to keep them close to you from the time they are little.
Too many parents are concerned that their kids will lack socialization opportunities so they are obsessed with enrolling them in all sort of activities outside the home, play dates, classes, etc. But tell me, do you usually learn new skills from a novice or from an expert?
Involving kids in all these activities and play dates are opportunities for exposure to other humans, but to think that they will learn appropriate social skills from other clueless individuals is an illusion.
You and other closely attached adults are the one who teaches your child socialization skills, and only in your home can you control what your children learn. Proof is, how many of you report how you kids picked up bad habits or manner from kids they hang out with? Or have been bullied or pushed around? Or have had their possessions stolen or broken? Can you say that these are appropriate social skills?
School, extra curricular activities, play dates are all artificial means to learn appropriate social skills. And they are not representative of real life. We don’t hang out with people who are only the same age, same color, same religion, same interests, etc. In real life, we are exposed to a melting pot of different kinds of individuals and this is how we learn. In the olden days, they had it right. Classrooms were mixed age groups and the younger children would learn from the older ones.
When you keep sending off your children to play with peers, or go to classes from a young age, where they spend less and less time with you (maybe one hour a night, if so), unknowingly, you are teaching your children that their best teachers are their peers or people outside your home. They become less and less attached to you and more and more attached to their friends.
Humans, and animals need to feel attached. After years of training them this way, it is no wonder that when they hit puberty, they don’t really care for your opinion, and look to peers for support and advise. That’s exactly what you will have taught them. It is a natural need… if you don’t make sure your children are securely attached to you, they will look elsewhere to fulfill that need.
On the other hand. If you keep your children close, you get involved in activities with them and their siblings or close friends or extended family, you feed that parent-child bond in a positive way.
Are homeschooling kids outcasts and socially inept? On the contrary, how about people who live in isolated areas? Socialization is taught at home and by adults, not peers.
So for parents of young children don’t be so worried that your children have to constantly be with other children to become social creatures. Your first concern should be that they are securely attached to you, their parents, and nourish that bond carefully, or you will lose the closeness of your relationship with your child. You want your children to come to you for support, advise, and help.
I recommend you read Dr. Neufeld’s book : Hold on to your kids. It will guide you on how to navigate this road. It is full of great advise. Look here for great courses he offers.
From the time they are two, children can already help you around the house. Nowadays, all too often, parents struggle in getting their teenagers to help; it is an ongoing battle. Other parents worry that children should just focus on their homework and not be distracted by chores or daily routines, or they think children are too young and incapable of completing tasks such as chores, or finally, they feel guilty that they are using their children as child labourers.
The thing is that there are multiple benefits to teaching children to help out around the house from the time they are really small. It is of a great disservice to actually not do this. I thought I would simply list below those benefits, and maybe it will change your mind about getting your children involved in household chores and daily tasks:
It teaches them to be responsible
It teaches them to be organized and time management
It reduces clutter which causes a lot of stress
It teaches them to respect their belongings and thus respect the belonging of others
It teaches them cooperation
It teaches them how to live in community and how to be respectful of other people’s space
It teaches them organizational skills and various other life skills
It teaches them to live in a clean environment
It teaches them about life in a realistic way
It teaches them about rules and compliance : that’s just the way it is
It teaches them to become conscious individuals (of themselves, others and the environment)
It teaches children to want to help around the house and contribute, and later you don’t have to pay them to do chores. Do you get paid to clean, cook, fix the house? So why should they?
It instills rhythms in their lives, and rhythms foster safety and security
It prepares them for adulthood
They make better roommates and spouses
Little children especially do not see this as a chore and they love helping out
If you start when they are young it won’t be a battle later on
It is another way to bond and connect with your children
It greatly helps you out, and as they get older it frees up your time
It keeps your house clean and clutter free
It lessens your load and helps you out
Children love to help and they feel good about themselves for doing so
It develops empathy
They are proud of themselves when they accomplish a task and bring it to its completion
They become helpful children and help outside of your house as well
It develops different skills at different ages
They become well rounded individuals
You don’t need to worry when they go on sleepovers or visits that they won’t help out
It fosters gratitude
They appreciate you better, because they experience the efforts involved in taking care of a house, meals and people.
When you start young, not only do they learn it is part of life, later as teens, you don’t need to bribe them with money or threaten to take away privileges, which ends up backfiring on you anyways.
I am sure that there are many more benefits I could come up with that are offshoots of what I have already listed, but you get the point. In my sense there is no negative consequence to getting your child involved in chores or daily routines, at all ages.
I have included a chores list developed by Maria Montessori. I hope it helps, pin it on your fridge as a reminder. You can find the original here to print.
Get my free ebook if you subscribe to my newsletter/blog . You just got a sneak peek!
Children of parents who practice mindfulness have less behaviour problems, have better social interactions, better emotional health and behavioural functioning (see studies by Singh et al., 2006, 2007). These parents also report that they are more satisfied with their parenting skills, and with the relationship with their children, Furthermore, parents who also practice meditation are better skilled at practicing mindfulness (Coyne & Murrell, 2009).
Overall, a mindfulness practice has multiple benefits: it is good for the body and the mind; it changes the brain in positive ways, by improving learning, memory, emotion regulation, emotion management; improves focus; improves the immune system; it fosters compassion; improves relationships; reduces symptoms of stress, PTSD, anxiety and depression, and many more (see www.greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/mindfulness). Parents that are mindful are therefore passing onto their children this practice and there lies the benefits.
It seems that mindfulness has been a buzz in the last few years, but let me assure you it is not just another fad that will come and go. Mindfulness and meditation are well established practices in the Eastern traditions, and have existed for thousands of years. It is only in recent years that there has been a resurgence of these practices. Baby boomers might recall the 60s and 70s where the Beetles and the like we’re into transcendental meditation and yoga. The Western world has finally caught up with scientific research proving their benefit on mental and physical health.
In all practicality, how does one parent apply these practices in every day life? First, meditation and mindfulness are not mere techniques, they are states of mind and a way of life, of which bring less suffering, more presence and peace in one’s life. Second, once a person has experienced the benefits of these practices, there is no going back. It infiltrates your life and your being, and it has a positive impact not only on the person who adheres to these practices but also on the people that surround this individual. In this case, your own children.
For the purpose of brevity, I will only address mindfulness in this article. How does one practice mindfulness and what is it? When you Google the term mindfulness, you can find this simple definition ” A mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations.” Some add an important factor which is to “accept without judgment”.
To practice mindfulness you first need to become aware of yourself and your surroundings. By this I mean, not be so entangled or lost in your thoughts. Your mind generates thoughts and you are able to notice this, thus you become the observer of your thoughts, emotions, feelings, and sensations coming from all five of your senses. Pay attention to your internal and external environments. Notice in the same way you would notice that the sky is grey, or that a plane just flew by. Don’t question, don’t judge, just observe.
One of the basic tenets of mindfulness is to reduce your identification with your thoughts and your feelings. To be able to do this, you need to be living in the present moment. The moment your thoughts are lost in the past, or planning or worrying about the future, you have just lost touch with the present moment. In turn, you are unable to become aware of what is happening in this moment in time. Mindfulness allows the person to be fully present in the now, fully in touch with what is happening at this moment. As a result, it greatly reduces suffering, and over reacting. If you are fully present to this moment and you do not judge it, consequently you are more at peace and less reactive. You are able to see a situation for what it is rather than for what it could be or what it represents based on your past traumas or wounds. It is essential to parent from this place rather than from a placed anchored in the past or fleeting to the future. Fear, anger, resentment stem from those wounds and in that moment you are no longer present to your child. You are re-acting to your own past or out of fear.
Mindfulness therefore allows you to notice the events in your life without reacting needlessly to them. It is a state where you become the observer of your thoughts, emotions and feelings instead of being an active participant. By having a bit of distance between the events and your thoughts, you are able to be present and respond from a place of stillness which will best correspond to your child’s actual needs.
This was a very brief overview of what mindfulness is and how beneficial it can be while parenting your children. Below are resources for detailed strategies on how to practice mindfulness:
You must be logged in to post a comment.