Some people hated mother Teresa, or Oprah… Goes to prove you can’t please everyone. You can’t control what people think of you and you can’t have it control you.
Whether it’s an opinion, a life choice, the way you dress, the music you like, the religion you follow or don’t follow, there will always be someone who disagrees with your chosen path. It is well known that many famous people and pioneers, initially were not well liked. People don’t like change, don’t like “different”. It makes them uncomfortable. Change requires people to stretch a little and not everyone is ready to do so. Some people may criticize your choices out of insecurity because it forces them to question their own choices or the status quo.
It takes courage to go against the flow, to make unpopular choices that people attempt to force you to justify. What if her or his choice mean that my choices are wrong? Can often be the underlying insecurity.
Some people go through life being people pleasers at their own expense. They make other people happy, they avoid conflict or rocking the boat, but at what price. Over the years, people-pleasing takes a toll on an individual, and it is not uncommon, years later, to see these people in my office, suffering with depression, anxiety, have pent up anger and resentments, etc. To later realize they’ve compromised their choices because they were scared of what people might think. And then to be resentful of the same people they attempted to please because they chose to not care what people thought of them.
When dying people are interviewed, one of the wishes that keeps coming up is that they should have lived the life they wanted to live not the one people wanted them to live.
So live your life fully, do no harm, and remember that what people think of you is really none of your business. You can’t make everyone happy and not everyone will like you. That’s simply a fact, deal with it, and carefully pick the ones who will have the privilege of being part of your life.
And remember this, trying to please everyone, in a way is a very selfish and controlling act, as you rob people of the freedom to respond to the real you, you are doing impression management, and in no way is this an authentic way to live life!
Image courtesy of num_skyman at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
I came across a few good quotes from one of my mentors, the late Debbie Ford. I thought I would share with you her words of wisdom and encourage you to stop and reflect on these.
We can see ourselves in living color by taking note of what we observe in other people. (Note: this is a defence mechanism called projection)
Notice what happens when you choose to embrace rather than reject each feeling that arises within you today.(Note: What you resist persists. If you allow feelings to just pass, you dont linger in the negative feeling and thus you suffer less)
Not only do we allow our own thoughts and guidelines to dictate our behaviour, but we also project onto others what we believe they want for us. (Note: This can be at the source of great conflicts that could be avoided as they blossom and live in our minds only and may not be based in fact)
Turning our dreams into realities means learning how to transmute the negative and turn it into the positive.(Note: A “negative” experience can be a blessing in disguise if you choose to look at it this way. Rejection is protection and often unanswered prayers are leaving space for better outcomes)
Most of us don’t recognize that there are two distinct elements to who we are : the thinking self and the observing self. We tend to bunch them up together. Haven’t you ever thought or felt: “I can’t stand myself”? This statement shows the separation between thought (my in myself) and self (I). Thus when you say I, you are the observer of the thoughts or feelings or sensations or state that you are in, that you can’t stand.
The good news about this, is that you can change those thoughts and thus change your state. The way you perceive a situation greatly impacts how you feel, and the above quotes show you a glimpse of how you can do that.
Start paying more attention to your thoughts and how they impact how you feel. Become an active observer instead of living your life on automatic pilot. By doing this, you will reduce your suffering and experience more joy and bliss in your life. Try it!
As you master this skill and you see the positive impact on your life… teach this to your children. It is one of the many beautiful gifts you can pass on!.
Are you struggling with the bedtime routine? Fighting to get the kids in bed, tired of repeating the same instructions daily? Losing your patience, screaming even? Dreading that step at the end of your day? Has it become a very negative experience for you AND your child? Here is a time tested simple way to go about it.
Decide on the time you want your child to be in bed. The routine should start one hour before that. Important warning: do NOT rush this routine, or push your child to hurry up. This is stressful for your child, thus activating his stress response, which defies the purpose of the routine, which is to calm your child down. Furthermore, it makes for an unpleasant interaction between the two of you. The goal is to make this time of the day a pleasurable experience so that your child will look forward to it, or at the least, not fight it.
Fact: The brain is programmed to naturally produce melatonin as the body unwinds and lights start to dim. It is this hormone that helps us to start feeling sleepy and then fall asleep. This is why it’s important to shut off all screens at least an hour before bedtime, or else you delay melatonin production and your child will have a hard time falling asleep. Turn off all electronics, including yours (at least for this moment, drop your cell, your iPad, etc.) The light and the stimulating effect of screens actually disrupts the sleep cycle. ( read more about melatonin here)
Here is a quote from a scientific article regarding the impact of screens on melatonin production :
Melatonin is a sleep-promoting hormone produced in the brain. As it grows dark melatonin levels rise and help facilitate sleep. Researchers have recently reported that when children aged 6-12 were deprived of their TV sets, computers and video games, their melatonin production increased by an average 30%. Exposure to a screen media was associated with lower urinary melatonin levels, particularly affecting younger children at a stage of pubertal development when important changes in melatonin’s role take place. The lead author speculated that girls are reaching puberty much earlier than in the 1950s. One reason is due to their average increase in weight; but another may be due to reduced levels of melatonin. Animal studies have shown that low melatonin levels have an important role in promoting an early onset of puberty. (Salti et al, 2006)
Another study published in the American Medical Association journal Archives of Pediatric and Adolescent Medicine found an association between daily screen time (ST) (i.e. television/DVD/video and computer use) in mid-adolescence and risk factors for cardiovascular disease and type 2 diabetes. Analysing blood samples in adolescent boys revealed that those boys with ST of 2 or more hours per day on weekdays have twice the risk of abnormal levels of insulin and HOMA-Insulin Resistance compared with boys with ST of less than 2 hours per day on weekdays indicating a greater risk for developing cardiovascular disease and type 2 diabetes. (Hardy et al 2010)
Develop a routine, that will be the same every night. This will program the brain to know that it’s preparing for sleep. It will not only help in the natural production of melatonin, but your child will naturally calm down and unwind, and gradually will start to feel sleepy.
This is also an excellent opportunity for parents to slow down from a busy day, and bond with your child. Part of the bedtime routine with small children involves the participation of parents. Drop everything, and focus 100% on your child.
Remember the goal of this routine, which is not only to prepare your child for sleep and the restorative benefits of rest and dreams, but it is also a precious moment where the two of you will bond and connect, and be truly present in this moment.
It is not a waste of time or a meaningless activity for your child. It actually crowns the day beautifully, brings safety and security as an added benefit, and it is the perfect opportunity to show your child how much you love him.
It is in these ordinary moments, that your relationship develops. This is where connection truly happens, daily. There is richness and hidden gifts in the simplicity and routine of daily life.
More and more children and adolescents are experiencing sleep problems and these are due to the amount of time spent in front of screens, as this article states:
An increasing number of studies have found that children are getting less sleep than previous generations and are experiencing more sleeping difficulties. New research has found a significant relationship between exposure to television and sleeping difficulties in different age groups ranging from infants to adults.
A study of 2068 children found that television viewing among infants and toddlers was associated with irregular sleep patterns. The number of hours of television watched per day was independently associated with both irregular naptime schedule and irregular bedtime schedules. (Thompson and Christakis 2005) Another study of 5-6 year olds found that both active TV viewing and background ‘passive’ TV exposure was related to shorter sleep duration, sleeping disorders, and overall sleep disturbances. Moreover, passive exposure to TV of more than two hours per day was strongly related to sleep disturbances. TV viewing and particularly passive TV exposure “significantly increase the risk of sleeping difficulties … parents should control the quantity of TV viewing and … limit children’s exposure to passive TV.” (Paavonen et al, 2006).
A study at Columbia University found that young adolescents who watched three or more hours of television a day ended up at a significantly increased risk for frequent sleep problems as adults. Remember that this amount of screen time is actually less than the average. On the other hand, those adolescents who reduced their television viewing from one hour or longer to less than one hour per day experienced a significant reduction in risk for subsequent sleep problems (Johnson et al, 2004).
The 8 simple steps to a struggle free bedtime routine are as follows (adjust based on age):
1) The bedtime routine can start with helping your child to tidy up, so that when you get up in the morning, you are not greeted by clutter and chaos. In another blog post I will explain how clutter contributes to stress and anxiety. Help your child pick up their toys, choose their clothes for the next day, put together their school bag, and/or sports equipment. Have everything ready so that you are not rushed in the morning.
2) Follow by the bathroom routine. It should involve going to the bathroom, brush and floss teeth, and the night time bath or shower. The warm water will naturally relax your child. Adding lavender essential oil ( natural not synthetic, as it is toxic) to the bath water will further relax your child. Do not rush bath time. Remember, you have allotted time for this. If your child really loves bath time and you always feel rushed, just start the routine earlier. Clic here for my recipe on relaxing bath salts. If you involve your child in making this recipe, you’ll spark an interest in your child in wanting to use what he created!
3) After the bath, gift your child with a soothing massage as your rub a nice moisturizing cream or oil on his little body. Do not underestimate the wonderful power of a loving touch. It shows your child they matter, that you love them, that you care. They can then put their little pajama.
4) You can follow with a short routine of PM yoga as a way to prepare the body for sleep. You can do yoga, or just do a few relaxing stretches. Depending on the age of your little one, the bath, and the massage may have been sufficient to relax your child (Anita Goa has a variety of wonderful routines here is a short 10 minute one you can try, or you can make up your own)
5) You can then cuddle in bed with your child and read a beautiful bed time story. I have found that one story is enough and sometimes as a treat we may add another one. Don’t be surprised if your child always wants the same story. It takes a few times to take the whole story in. They are not bored as you might be by the repetition. Stories prepare them for a calm sleep and the world of dream land.
6) I like to end the day on a positive note and ask my daughter for three things she was grateful for today, and I tell her what I was grateful for as well.
7) Just before kissing my daughter goodnight, we have a special prayer for continued health and protection. My daughter was diagnosed with leukaemia when she was a tiny 2.5 year old. A friend of mine who wasn’t supposed to survive her cancer shared this special prayer with us and we have said it every night since. You can end the night on a prayer, a poem, or a blessing if you like, whether you are religious or not, or spiritual.
8) Last but not least, shower your child my with kisses and hugs to escort him to dreamland.
As your young toddler gets older, you won’t need to assist every step of the way. The rhythm and repetition will establish the routine on its own and your child will follow it beautifully. My daughter is 6.5 and I still do this with her. These are precious moments that we share and I look forward to this downtime every night. It also allows me to switch gears, slow down my pace and then give myself the gift of my own relaxing bedtime routine.
The daily repetition of this routine sets in a rhythm. The consistency will reduce the incidence of struggles, but most of all, your child will experience this part of the day as positive, consequently, will look forward to it and not fight it.
ACTION STEP: Repetition, consistency, keeping the sequence, assisting your child, not rushing, infusing it with love and patience, and staying present in the moment are the essential ingredients to a successful bedtime routine. Remember to make the adjustments necessary based on your child’s age, your values, etc. Give it at least three months to have enduring effects. Tell me how it goes! Comment below and share your questions or experience.
[fblike]
You might think: “What does self care have to do with parenting skills” ? Well it has everything to do with it. As I’ve mentioned probably several times by now, we teach our children mainly by what we do, more than by what we say. If you want your kids to take good care of themselves in your absence, you need to do it for yourself as well.
If they see you always prioritizing other people’s needs before your own, you are teaching them to place others’ needs first at the expense of their own…. People pleasing, does that ring a bell (read more)?
Our unhealed wounds are passed down from one generation to the next, when we live and parent unconsciously. All too common are women raised with the principle that putting their needs first equals being selfish. Other childhood or past wounds lead to lack of proper self care. And if you struggle with this, delve deeper into your issues, and work through them. This will greatly change the way you parent your child, for the better.
Adequate self care starts with setting healthy boundaries, which goes hand in hand with self respect, and self respect fosters healthy self-esteem. If your self esteem is healthy, the greater the chances your child will develop a healthy self esteem as well (read more and here).
In the midst of attachment parenting and conscious parenting, there is still space to take good care of yourself. How will your child learn self love if you don’t have love for yourself. You teach people how to treat you, and it starts with your family. If you send conflicting messages between your actions and your words, trust me, your children will follow your actions.
I have seen it too many times in my practice, parents asking me to heal their child of an ailment which is only a mirror image of their own suffering. But like most moms, and I have been guilty of this on many occasions, sometimes we show more love and dedication to our children than we do to ourselves.
We always put them first, at the expense of our own health and wellbeing. But I learned the hard way that if I did not heal or take care of myself first, then I am not a good teacher to my daughter.
It is important that you create for yourself rituals of self care, set clear boundaries for respect of mommy time: practice your favourite hobby, socialize with your friends, have date nights with your husband or partner, workout, do yoga, meditate, read, etc. Whatever brings you joy and peace. It is important that you have time for yourself only.
Step 1: Do make a point to make yourself happy once a day for the easy doable things, and regularly for bigger ticket items. Here are a few examples of what I like to do for myself on a daily basis : read a book at bedtime, meditate, yoga, write my book, listen to my favourite radio station when I cook or walk the dog or drive. Here are examples of things I like to do for myself on a weekly basis : meet with a good friend, go out for tea or coffee in my favourite café and write, have a nice long walk with the dog, take a nice bath with candles, work on an art project, take time alone in my healing room, light a few candles, put soft music, and read special passages in various books (or inspirational cards) that I have, or just sit there in silence and gratitude.
Step 2: Create a special space in your house or apartment for yourself. It can be a whole room or a section of a room. If your space is small you can use a divider or the architecture to create an illusion of a separate space. You can create a non-religious altar where you keep special items in that area (on a table or bookshelf). It can have pictures of people you love, special stones, books, candles, crystals, incense, essential oil diffuser, a Himalayan salt lamp, or any inspirational object that has special meaning to you (example 1 of altar, example 2 of altar; beautiful pictures of altars) . You can add a comfortable chair or cushions to sit on, a music player to relax the senses, etc. Your space can have a theme, a colour, special decorative items, etc. The sky is the limit when it comes to deciding what you make of that space. The important part is that when you enter that space, immediately it shifts you into a positive state of mind, and thus will relax you and help you disconnect or unwind, and bring you peace and joy. I recommend that you give that space a name. I call mine the “healing room”. Retreat to that space in those moments of self care.
Step 3: Self love and self care involve loving your imperfections and doing so out loud. Show your kids that it’s OK to not be perfect and to make mistakes. Forgive yourself and be kind to yourself. Don’t be so hard on yourself and such a perfectionist, as this is what you are teaching your kids to be. Instead of paying attention to your perceived flaws, pay attention to your strengths and assets, and highlight them and be proud of them. Teach the same to your kids. Even super models hate parts of themselves, no one is perfect! If you catch yourself berating yourself or your appearance, correct yourself as you would correct your child. Tell that mind of yours to take a hike!
You need to embrace your mistakes and imperfections, they are gifts. If you don’t, your child will not only mirror them back to you, but how do you expect them to embrace their own imperfections ? Lead by example or you will be perceived as a fraud by your kids. Start by practicing this simple technique called “Mirror Work” as taught by Louise Hay (see here for instructions) and change the way you talk to yourself (more here). What you keep affirming becomes your reality. So make sure you affirm good thoughts in your life.
Step 4: Develop a gratitude practice. Once a day, at least, reflect on what you are grateful for (you can even write it in a beautiful journal). It is especially important to do this ondifficult days as it will put things in perspective. Psychology research has shown the positive impact of keeping a gratitude journal (e.g., better sleep, better mood, fewer illness, more happiness – read morearticles on the impact of gratitude). Read some tips on keeping a gratitude journal. Do this gratitude quiz to see how grateful you are :-), it will give you a great baseline measure. It is well known, that an attitude of gratitude leads to greater life satisfaction.
Step 5: If you have unhealed wounds, invest in a good therapist. YOU are worth it. As you heal your wounds, and take care of yourself, naturally your child will benefit. You will then parent more consciously and thus be more present emotionally to you child’s actual needs, and you won’t project your own issues on him or her (Watch videoshere on being a conscious parent).
“When mama’s happy everyone is happy”. This saying bares so much truth. Take the time to pamper yourself, it’s well worth it.
Action Step: To practice self care and self love, requires a bit of introspection. Start by deciding what you value in life and what brings you joy, carefully ponder on this. It may take a few days. Look at your schedule and see how, on a daily, and weekly basis, you can make time for yourself. Develop those rituals that show how much you love yourself by working through the 5 steps mentioned above and start seeing positive changes in your life and your family’s life. Keep me posted below!
For more on self-care, read this good book by Cheryl Richardson(The Art of Extreme Self-Care). Designed to complete one chapter a month.
Image courtesy of khunaspix at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
This life is short. It is really, really short. Before you know it, you’ve flown through adolescence, having kids and you are middle aged! Pondering on your past, on the future that is yet to come and you are at a crossroads. Do I continue to live life this way? Or do you decide, “Enough! There has got to be more to life than this!”
There is no dress rehearsal. This is it. This is the only life you’ve got. So what are you gonna make of it? How will you live the other half of your life? Will you live in fear? Will you keep putting off till tomorrow what you can do today?
And if you are still young reading this, what path will you choose for yourself? Live the life your parents, your friends, society wants you to live or will you be the pilot of your own plane?
Don’t live the kind of life that will fill you with regrets. Take risks, face your fears, make the leap, you might be surprised to see what amazing life awaits you.
We all have the potential inside of us to be blissfully happy, there is no need to dig, no need to excavate. It is right there inside you. You just need to stop for a moment. Touch that stillness inside of you and there lie all the answers you are waiting for. They are there for you to grasp. They are not far, and they surely are not outside of you.
Get rid of the clutter of thoughts in your mind that keep you distracted with useless and senseless gibberish. They are only thoughts, memories, feelings, judgements that are fleeting. They are meant to pass. They are not meant for you to take a hold of and linger there. Just like snowflakes or raindrops, you don’t stop at each and every one of them, you just know it’s snowing or raining, and you know that the storm shall pass, so you live on. Those thoughts of yours are the same. Only a few have useful meaning, the rest is just clutter that distracts you from your true essence. They are lies that you believe.
Let it all go, and soon you will see what YOU are made of. What are your dreams, your aspirations, your passions? Are you living up to them or are you letting them pass you by?
I leave you with these beautiful words that have inspired me, and am sure many more. Pass them along, spread the love (self-love) and joy. Remember, this is IT. No do-overs. Live up to your full potential 🙂
(see the Action step at the bottom of this post. DO it 🙂 !)
What Are You Waiting For?”
Are you waiting on a lightening strike
Are you waiting for the perfect night
Are you waiting ’til the time is right?
What are you waiting for?
Don’t you wanna learn to deal with fear?
Don’t you wanna take the wheel and steer?
Don’t you wait another minute here?
What are you waiting for?What are you waiting for?You gotta go and reach for the top
Believe in every dream that you got
You’re only living once so tell me
What are you, what are you waiting for?
You know you gotta give it your all
And don’t you be afraid if you fall
You’re only living once so tell me
What are you, what are you waiting for?Are you waiting for the right excuse?
Are you waiting for a sign to choose?
While you’re waiting it’s the time you lose
What are you waiting for?
Don’t you wanna spread your wings and fly?
Don’t you really wanna live your life?
Don’t you wanna love before you die?
What are you waiting for?What are you waiting for?You gotta go and reach for the top
Believe in every dream that you got
You’re only living once so tell me
What are you, what are you waiting for?
You know you gotta give it your all
And don’t you be afraid if you fall
You’re only living once so tell me
What are you, what are you waiting for?[2x]
Tell me what you’re waiting for?
Show me what you’re aiming for?
What you gonna save it for?
So what you really waiting for?
Everybody’s gonna make mistakes
But everybody’s got a choice to make
Everybody needs a leap of faith
When are you taking yours?
What are you waiting for?
You gotta go and reach for the top
Believe in every dream that you got
You’re only living once so tell me
What are you, what are you waiting for?
You know you gotta give it your all
And don’t you be afraid if you fall
You’re only living once so tell me
What are you, what are you waiting for?
You gotta go and reach for the top
What are you, what are you waiting for?
Believe in every dream that you got
What are you, what are you waiting for?
You know you gotta give it your all
What are you, what are you waiting for?
You’re only living once so tell me
What are you, what are you waiting for?
What are you, what are you?
What are you, what are you waiting for?
What are you, what are you?
What are you, what are you waiting for?
Action step: Are you ready? Make an inventory of your life to date. Answer those questions above. Decide today, that from this point on you will live YOUR life, not the one others think you should live. Stop putting things off. This IS truly the greatest gift you can give yourself: A true act of self-love. And it IS the greatest gift you can pass on to your children, because they TOO need to live their life, here and now. Not the one you aspire for them based on YOUR dreams but based on theirs :-).
Some people hated mother Teresa, or Oprah… Goes to prove you can’t please everyone. You can’t control what people think of you and you can’t have it control you.
You must be logged in to post a comment.